I don’t claim to be a soccer fan, in fact up until this past year I’ve probably only watched 20 matches. But when the world shut down because of COVID I found myself with limited options to get my sports fix. Soccer was one of the first sports back, so like a junkie needing a fix, I watched. I didn’t become a major fan though, as soon as other sports came back, I switched back to my normal favorites. There’s only one thing that brings me back to watching soccer, that’s action. So when a friend put together a Euro2020 bracket I couldn’t resist and decided I had to join. Here’s a preview of my picks and predictions.
Looking at the first round picks I quickly realized how little I know about this sport and this tournament – turns out the first round is hosted at a legit home site. I assumed it was something like the world cup and is at a central location – I’m not going to look up if it’s that the way it always is, or if it’s because of COVID, it might give me too much info picking my games. With my ignorance in full swing, let’s take a look at each group.
Group A
Italy, Switzerland, Turkey, Wales
Italy’s good at soccer, they’ll win the group. All I know about Switzerland sports is Roger Federer but that doesn’t help me here. Turkey plays soccer, and that’s all I know about them. Wales plays rugby, that’s not soccer so they’ll finish last. The tricky pick in this group is Turkey and Switzerland, I can’t go off colors because they’re both red and white so my choice goes with which country I know more about sports so Switzerland gets the nod to finish second.
Group B
Russia, Belgium, Denmark, Finland
Russia is big and seems to be good at sports they care about so I’ll give them the win. Finland is a hockey country and hockey players don’t know how to run so they’ll finish last. The toss-up here is Belgium and Denmark. All I know about soccer in these two countries is Copenhagen FC is normally a powerhouse. But the tie-breaker here is the flags – Denmark’s is too close to Finland’s so they probably aren’t that good. Belgium though, they basically flip Germany’s flag sideways and Germany is fairly good at soccer from what I know – so Belgium get’s the second spot in this group.
Group C
Netherlands, Ukraine, Austria, North Macedonia
I don’t know anything about how these teams play. They might be good, they might be terrible. I do know that one time an ESPN preview of the World Cup was sad that the Dutch fans weren’t going to be there, so I’m going to give the orange team the top of this group. Ukraine and Austria become the toss-up here, I just have a feeling that Ukraine will draw enough that they get second. North Macedonia won’t have Alexander the Great to show up on the field, turn the clock back 2300 years, and win so they’ll probably finish last.
Group D
Croatia, England, Czech Republic, Scotland
This is basically decision on who has the better jerseys – those tablecloth checkered uniforms are amazing and can’t get beat. So I have them winning the group. England invented soccer, they’ll probably find a way to disappoint, but I’ll stick them in second. I know nothing about the Czech Republic but they’ll get 3rd. Scotland, like Wales, plays rugby and that’s not soccer, so I have them finishing at the bottom of the group.
Group E
Spain, Sweden, Poland, Slovakia
All I know about this group is that Spain is good. They’ll win this group. Sweden has Zlatan – no idea if he still plays on the national team but he’s as good a reason as any for me to give them the second place spot. I guess Poland has new jerseys so let’s give them the third spot for that reason. Slovakia gets the 4th place spot because i know absolutely nothing about them.
Group F
Portugal, Germany, France, Hungary
Based on my limited knowledge of soccer even I know this is the toughest group in the tournament. So this will likely get 3 teams in. Portugal has Ronaldo and that’s good enough a reason for me to give them the win as any. I guess France won the last World Cup but I can only remember the famous head but so I’m giving Germany the second spot and France the third. Hungary hasn’t been good since the cold war so they’ll end up in the bottom of the group.
3rd Place Qualifiers
I’ve got no idea how this third place thing works. I just put all my picks into a machine and it churned it out. I guess it’s a big tie-breaker against each of the other third place teams. Seems like they could make this more fun with a Friday Night Lights (movie) style coin flip off to determine the next spots but I guess this way is more fair. Anyways, it turns out I decided the Czech Republic and Turkey are terrible and the four teams I have making it to the knockout stage are: France, Denmark, Poland, Austria – in that order.
Knock-out Rounds
There’s way too much to analyze, but here’s a round of 16 rundown. Belgium beats Switzerland because their chocolate is better. Italy beats Ukraine because their flag has more stripes. Netherlands beats Poland for the same reason. France beats Russia for Napoleon’s revenge. Sweden squeaks by England in the battle of the + flags. Portugal beats Denmark – I shouldn’t need to explain this logic. Germany beats Croatia because they’re probably better. Spain beats Austria for the same reason.
Quarter Final Round summary – I basically ran out of good reasons to pick one team over another so I pretty much went with who I thought was better. Portugal over Sweden, France over Italy, Netherlands over Belgium, and Germany over Spain. I guarantee that’s exactly how it’ll go, then I’ll sell you a bridge in Brooklyn too.
For the Semi Finals I’m left with Portugal against France and Netherlands against Germany. My random point and shoot picks for silly reasons is gone and done. It’s time to take a look at the roster and compare… never mind that’s too much work. I think there are more good players on France than there are Portugal. So I take France in that game. Germany made a world cup final recently so I’ll take them over Netherlands, no other reason, no logic, no analysis. But take it to the bank that they’ll win. Or don’t, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
For my near certain, bring it to Vegas and bet your rent on my picks guarantee of a bracket I’ve got France vs Germany in the final. I have no idea if two teams from the same group have ever wound up facing each other for a second time in the final. But that’s what we’re left with here. Looking back at my first round matchup between the two, I had Germany winning it. I even surprised myself with this pick, I thought I changed the winner on the matchup. But turns out I went with Germany. Like a sucker.